Some Thoughts on The 'Selfishness' of Biological vs Adoptive Parenthood
Denise D. Cummins, PhD
When my husband and I chose to adopt two little girls, we shared many of the beliefs expressed by Dr. Ferner in this brief video. In short order, we learned how naive (and possibly harmful) these beliefs are. Adoption has been a powerful learning experience--about the human mind and heart.
1. Adoption is not necessarily unselfish, nor is biological parenthood necessarily selfish.
Some philosophers claim that those who choose to adopt are necessarily acting less selfishly than those who choose to give birth. Would that it were. There are numerous unscrupulous adoption "facilitators" who prey on the poor (particularly in third world countries) in order to obtain babies for adoption by wealthy clients. These clients often avoid asking the hard questions about how the child was obtained because they desperately want to be parents. Their motives are therefore hardly virtuous. That is why, when seeking to adopt, it is crucial to work only with reputable agencies.
2. Assuming the poor will (should) always be a source of offspring for the wealthy.
Implied in this position is the belief that the poor will (should?) always have more children than they can care for, and that it is virtuous to "take these children off their hands to give them a better life." That means that the poor worldwide become "baby exporters" and the rich become "baby importers". In other words, this belief provides political and economic impetus for treating babies as commodities.
The wealthy are not necessarily behaving selfishly when they have children. They are acting selfishly when they vote to deny poor women access to birth control, abortion, prenatal care, childcare subsidies, educational opportunities, and economic enfranchisement. Adoption can be a blessing on both sides, but not when it is a forced choice.
3. It is not necessarily easier to have a biological child than to adopt a child
Some philosophers claim it is much easier to have a baby than to adopt a baby. According to the CDC, about 12% of women 15–44 years of age in the United States have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term, regardless of marital status (impaired fecundity). That's about 7 million women. Most turn to assisted reproductive technology (ART). The success rates for ART, again according to the CDC are
4. Don't ever underestimate the strength of the biological mother-infant bond.
This position also assumes that children are tabula rasa and that attachment forms with whomever provides care, so forming a family is as simple as mixing and matching children to caregivers. Would that it were.
When a woman gives birth, both she and the baby are flooded with oxytocin, the hormone that promotes emotional bonding and trust. Both are biologically primed to form strong emotional attachments. Adoption provides no such hormonal "leg up" on the bonding process. And that makes parenting far more challenging.
Adopting a child—even a newborn—carries a significant risk that the child will suffer from reactive attachment disorder, which you can read about here. In school, adoptive children experience more difficulty than children living with birth parents, primarily because of these attachment difficulties, which you can read more about here.
5. Whatever you think a prospective adoptive child wants, you're probably wrong.
Most adoptive parents assume that children who are in foster care or in orphanages want desperately to be adopted. Again, would that it were.
More often than not, what they want is for their parents to be "all better" and to be reunited with them. This is true even if there was significant abuse or neglect on the part of the biological parents. It is not uncommon for them to fear that their parents gave them up because of something they did wrong or because they were not good enough to keep.
6. Yes, adoptive parents love their children as much as biological parents do.
How much people love their children seems to be a matter of individual differences in their own ability to love or in the timing of their family formation, not biological bond. In this New York Times blog, writer Lisa Belkin describes how she bonded much more readily with her adoptive child than her biological child. For my part, I can safely say that my husband loves our adoptive daughters as deeply and intensely as he loves his biological son, and I love my stepson as deeply and intensely as I love our adoptive daughters. Biology doesn't seem to have much to do with any of it.
Copyright Dr. Denise Cummins October 17, 2016
Dr. Cummins is a research psychologist, a Fellow of the Association for Psychological Science, and the author of Good Thinking: Seven Powerful Ideas That Influence the Way We Think.
More information about me can be found on my homepage.
My books can be found here.
Follow me on Twitter.
And on Google+.
And on LinkedIn.
1. Adoption is not necessarily unselfish, nor is biological parenthood necessarily selfish.
Some philosophers claim that those who choose to adopt are necessarily acting less selfishly than those who choose to give birth. Would that it were. There are numerous unscrupulous adoption "facilitators" who prey on the poor (particularly in third world countries) in order to obtain babies for adoption by wealthy clients. These clients often avoid asking the hard questions about how the child was obtained because they desperately want to be parents. Their motives are therefore hardly virtuous. That is why, when seeking to adopt, it is crucial to work only with reputable agencies.
2. Assuming the poor will (should) always be a source of offspring for the wealthy.
Implied in this position is the belief that the poor will (should?) always have more children than they can care for, and that it is virtuous to "take these children off their hands to give them a better life." That means that the poor worldwide become "baby exporters" and the rich become "baby importers". In other words, this belief provides political and economic impetus for treating babies as commodities.
The wealthy are not necessarily behaving selfishly when they have children. They are acting selfishly when they vote to deny poor women access to birth control, abortion, prenatal care, childcare subsidies, educational opportunities, and economic enfranchisement. Adoption can be a blessing on both sides, but not when it is a forced choice.
3. It is not necessarily easier to have a biological child than to adopt a child
Some philosophers claim it is much easier to have a baby than to adopt a baby. According to the CDC, about 12% of women 15–44 years of age in the United States have difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term, regardless of marital status (impaired fecundity). That's about 7 million women. Most turn to assisted reproductive technology (ART). The success rates for ART, again according to the CDC are
- 40% in women younger than 35 years of age.
- 32% in women aged 35–37 years.
- 21% in women aged 38–40 years.
- 11% in women aged 41–42 years.
- 5% in women aged 43–44 years.
- 2% in women aged 44 years and older.
4. Don't ever underestimate the strength of the biological mother-infant bond.
This position also assumes that children are tabula rasa and that attachment forms with whomever provides care, so forming a family is as simple as mixing and matching children to caregivers. Would that it were.
When a woman gives birth, both she and the baby are flooded with oxytocin, the hormone that promotes emotional bonding and trust. Both are biologically primed to form strong emotional attachments. Adoption provides no such hormonal "leg up" on the bonding process. And that makes parenting far more challenging.
Adopting a child—even a newborn—carries a significant risk that the child will suffer from reactive attachment disorder, which you can read about here. In school, adoptive children experience more difficulty than children living with birth parents, primarily because of these attachment difficulties, which you can read more about here.
5. Whatever you think a prospective adoptive child wants, you're probably wrong.
Most adoptive parents assume that children who are in foster care or in orphanages want desperately to be adopted. Again, would that it were.
More often than not, what they want is for their parents to be "all better" and to be reunited with them. This is true even if there was significant abuse or neglect on the part of the biological parents. It is not uncommon for them to fear that their parents gave them up because of something they did wrong or because they were not good enough to keep.
6. Yes, adoptive parents love their children as much as biological parents do.
How much people love their children seems to be a matter of individual differences in their own ability to love or in the timing of their family formation, not biological bond. In this New York Times blog, writer Lisa Belkin describes how she bonded much more readily with her adoptive child than her biological child. For my part, I can safely say that my husband loves our adoptive daughters as deeply and intensely as he loves his biological son, and I love my stepson as deeply and intensely as I love our adoptive daughters. Biology doesn't seem to have much to do with any of it.
Copyright Dr. Denise Cummins October 17, 2016
Dr. Cummins is a research psychologist, a Fellow of the Association for Psychological Science, and the author of Good Thinking: Seven Powerful Ideas That Influence the Way We Think.
More information about me can be found on my homepage.
My books can be found here.
Follow me on Twitter.
And on Google+.
And on LinkedIn.